she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
