Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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