He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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