my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
