I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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