i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A+ Viking dick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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