I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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