I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
