he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
