i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
