Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
