I wish I only lived at night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
