"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
