Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
