Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize