Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize