no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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