I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
