Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
