my being single is dangerous.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
