also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
