I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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