If that was your dad, he is hot
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
