There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
