I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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