My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
