First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize