Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I want to be your penis for a week.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We had sex on a dog bed..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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