do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
