Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
