kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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