Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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