Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
