the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
