Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You don't make any sense
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