Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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