I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you had me at cake vodka
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
