I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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