This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
