We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
