He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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