my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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