Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
