When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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