i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
