u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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