I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize