Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Everything about him screamed your future.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
