when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize