He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
