my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
