just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
