look no pants
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
