if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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