How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
