did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
