I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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