He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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